Yes, I am at school. And meant to be writing an essay. >.>

Ah well.

Why is it that whenever I speak, I instantly regret it and wish I’d said nothing? Almost every, single, time. Grah.

Thinkboard, shout it out, brain vomit

The latter is a disgusting term, but I ended up using it anyway.

Now. Would you like some cheese with my whine?

Tom’s gone and caused me girl-related bother twice, now. First time was when he went out with Hayley - I knew from my deepest instincts that the match was not a good one. I was right in the end, but I couldn’t say anything because I just wanted him to be happy. Ignorantly happy, perhaps, and maybe it was not the best decision, but that time is past.

Now he’s done it again. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault, again… but he’s got asked out by Tilley, who I’ve stupidly fancied for a while now. (See the pattern?) This now makes me so insanely jealous I have to triple-check every word I say, to make sure none of the jealousy shows through. And to stop myself from revealing my soul and all of my secrets to anyone. And to be frank, I’m failing. Even though, I am most definitely not Frank.

Bleh.

As a child, I used to seriously envy tortoises, and hermit crabs. Their ability to simply pull themselves into their shells at any times sounded like a great idea.

Last night, I realised that we all have a shell. A metaphorical one, mind, but a shell it is. And I’ve been spending a great deal of time inside mine. Although I didn’t know it, it keeps away the demons nicely. Stops me from having to face anything I don’t want to, except perhaps coursework.

Yesterday, I left my shell. I did something that I very rarely do: I went to a party. Amazingly, it was really fun (Trogdor on Medium on a real guitar hero controller is awesomesauce) and I got on
really well with everyone there.

Except Tom, perhaps. Although he didn’t really do anything wrong, he kept trying to initiate “touchy-feely” actions (his words), which, again, was nothing wrong. But it made me want to join in, which is a Very Bad Thing Indeed. Because when I try, bad things happen. Someone always reacts badly. Me, or the other person. Or both. It’s extremely annoying, and extremely difficult.

For some reason, I just have to be different. After all - there cab only be one Lighting Engineer.

We’re doing a play again at school. The Sound of Music, this year. (Anyone paying attention will have noticed that my school always does a play this time of year - look in the archive for proof :P ) Yet again, I’m doing lighting, and Tom is doing sound. This time, though, nothing seemed to go right. The lights weren’t plotted - a guy was meant to come in on Monday or Tuesday to do it, and he did not. Webnesday came around. He also did not show. My teacher (rightly) got rather irritated with this, and allowed us to turn them on and plot them ourselves. With a little fiddling, I did so. The next day, Thursday, he showed and faffed around for a bit - unable to fix our sound problem, he put some scenes into memory for us (thankfully, he didn’t screw that up too badly.) Today, we recieve the radio mics for the actors, which worked perfectly, and while setting those up, we fixed the sound problem as well. I’ve got the scenes written down now, so I know what to do. The acting and music side of things is brilliant. So everything finally comes together. No thanks to that electrician.

After school today, Tom asked me a question that really made me think - even though it was only a simple  and innocent question… if the prom were to be soon rather than next July, who would I ask? Naturally, I have to wonder who I’d ask… and it kinda struck me that like Ben said once:

 ”I can’t think of anyone  in this school who you really “click” with, if you know what I mean.”

He’s absolutely right. There is no-one at school who I really get on well with and share interests. Of course, it occurs to me now that 60-70% of the school have the same problem. You would never find a perfect match for anyone with only 160 people.

It’s still kinda depressing, though - it brings me nicely to what seems to be the case around here: I’m tolerated, not liked.

Because, I can’t do anything right tonight. Gah.

Before I head off back into a depressive “I hate the world” state, I want to say a few things:

Thank you to Tom, for always being around. I do not give you NEARLY enough credit for the stuff you do for me.

Thank you to Cherie, and Brynne, for being super supportive, when I’ve most needed it. You’ve both given me confidence beyond anything ”professionals” do.

Thank you to Sarah. Nicest person I know, and didn’t need the aggro I just gave you.

Thank you to Lydia and Tilley and others - being near-constantly happy is a big morale booster.

Thank you to Ben - you’re a good guy. Just hurry up and realise it, dammit.

Thank you to J.M. Pescado - for showing me that some people should not be emulated.

Thank you to anyone else I’ve missed.

Unfortunately, the places I visit have fallen apart at the seams.

There were three main sites that I used to visit a lot: MATY, CJ, and Sporum.

MATY was always the busy one. I’ve been there for about
two years now…and it’s gotten very big. Very popular. And with big and popular, always comes “infested with the peasants/sheep/idiots/etc.”. So, I’ve stopped going there as much.

CJ was always a private forum. It remains a nice place to go,
even if it has long lost it’s ”personal” feel.

So the Sporum has become the place of interest for me.
I just hope it doesn’t go downhill like all of the others.

ANYWAY. Because of the fact that CJ is private, they often, very occasionally, spoke about members of MATY. Of course, said members found out, and very quickly, the members of both sites were herded into cliques, both with names based on inside jokes.

So, I proceeded to acquire a fence, and very pointedly sit on it, as I hate drama. However, the ”ringleader” of the MATY
side, distinctly ignored my request to stay out, and labeled me as one of the “opposition”. Whether this was because I was friendly with CJ, or merely because the two of us didn’t get on in the best of terms, is unknown.

This drama has since passed. Blown itself away, just like hurricanes do. But there is now a permanent rift in this area of the community that, I fear, will never be healed. Very few people, whether intentionally or otherwise, are doing much to prevent this.

I hold a thought to the sense of comradeship we had here.

It’s dead now.

I have some stuff to blog about, but I can’t hold the concentration right now. So I put a nice water-based K2 theme on my blog, to calm me down and keep me happy. It seems to be working.

Hayley just broke up with me. She said that she wanted to be single for a while… I bet she’ll go out with Josh now, even though…

She claimed that she wanted to be single for a while.

I find that I probably deserve this; I haven’t been the best of boyfriends, even if I decide to exclude my recent “Laying down of the law”. I’ve been fairly snappy, and at times, been a bit short-tempered.

I feel sorry for various girls at school, tho.  When I find the courage to start “dating”, as it were, I will start doing some very stupid things again. One of the reasons I liked having Hayley around, is that she acted as a barrier against all that.

On a side-note, I am going to get so jealous of Tom. He has no less than 6 people fancying him. One is Hayley’s best friend!

Last time I got ”dumped”, (what a nasty word)  I became fairly depressed for like…3 months? Maybe less, but it happened. For some reason, I don’t expect it to happen again.

Also, I apologise for the dysfunctional post. It’s all over the place, I know.